J is for Jiminy Cricket

Remember Pinnochio's conscience and his guide? I had that once. My Nanny. It's been two years since I saw her alive and it breaks my heart every time I think about it.

I am, at times, irrational and sharp tongued. I make poor choices, use the most terrible language and judge quickly. I AM the naughty and selfish marionette that Jiminy was sent to protect.

She was God's gift to me to discourage those habits and remind me that there is honor in kindness and gentility. I truly possess none of my own. I still hear her voice in my dreams and talk to her in my prayers. She still calls me Sunshine when I hear her. She was my biggest fan, but also had no fear in telling me when I was wrong. She spanked me ONCE when I was a child and I was devastated. Disappointing her was my equivalent of the earth not turning. She's more than half the reason that I am an upstanding citizen and decent human being now. The other half I shared in "E is for everything". How blessed I have been to share life with people who make me want to be a better me.

I do not mourn for my conscience. She believed so deeply that her time here was temporary and longed to be with others in our family that didn't stay as long. I don't begrudge her that. She gave me everything in her that was good while she was here and taught me enough about selflessness that I could never wish her here instead of there. I just can't. Mourn is not the right word, and more often than not I can find myself smiling when I am remembering her.

I do miss her horribly and wish my babies had been able to spend more time with her. I would like to hold her hand in church again. Just once. I miss that. It must be time for me to be a real human being. No fair