Thursday, August 13, 2009

Of Course I Don't Mean YOU

I am lagging on my blog this week and just had to participate in today's workshop with Mama Kat. The prompt I am choosing this week is...

List ten things you would say to ten different people in your life if you had the chutzpah.

I thought that was funny since I've been known to have lotsa chutzpah to say what's on my mind, but I HAVE been trying to lean towards the more politely conservative lately. You know being a Catholic school parent and a corporate cog and all. It just seems more appropriate. I do feel like I may be completely refreshed to say even a few of these today.

If you could stop talking for maybe like 2 minutes you would know that there are a room full of really talented people here with great ideas. Strategic, compelling ideas to help us overcome this mess. We can do this if you'll be quiet for just 2 minutes, 60 seconds, anything . . .

Hey lady! The one with the Louis Vuitton handbag and the iPhone that you can’t stop looking at long enough to safely walk your children into the building. Just because the tank car you are driving is twice the size of everything else in the garage does not mean that you can take two parking spaces. Does. Not. Park elsewhere or get a car that fits in the garage.

Yeah sure, I would love to see you and catch up and do the things we used to. Somehow I just can’t get over the irrational, self-centered freak that you’ve turned into.

No, I don’t think that’s the cutest picture of your son I’ve ever seen. I think his nose does not fit on his face and you have got to stop dressing him like that. I am so embarrassed for him and hope that your photo albums are destroyed in a minor leak in your house (I don’t actually wish any major harm) before he is old enough to know you took him in public like that AND used a camera.

Yes, I do mind if they come. I don’t like most of them, can only tolerate some of them and genuinely enjoy none of them. I’d rather just stay here and catch up on Facebook.

That’s right. I did schedule a meeting with you a month ago to talk about something that I am passionate about and that impacts my family greatly. It still matters to me just as much and I am more than a little pissed that no one has ever gotten back to me on it. Even after I politely followed up. Twice.

Did you seriously think this was a good idea? Cause we all wondered from Day One and here we are a couple years later and it still looks like a big ol’ mess. When we gossip about you, we’re not sure if you’re oblivious or just don’t quite know what to do. We do love you and would do anything for you. Call us when you’re ready to leave. We'll be there. In a minute. With drinks and big smiles on our faces.

I know how tough a Thursday afternoon can be, but I was thinking since most of our colleagues have lost their jobs in the last 12 months and everyone walks on eggshells here maybe you could finish that nap after work!

No, summer' s not just the best ever. It’s freakin’ exhausting physically and financially to be working parents of two young children in the summer. Camp is chaotic and expensive, everyone’s expectations are too high and vacation is overrated. I am sick of playdates with their goofy friends and their boring parents. I really want them to go to bed at bedtime every single night so I could have more than 20 minutes of adult time with my husband before I lose consciousness. I am longing for the first day of school so I can drop them both off in the same place and still have time to get coffee on the way to the office.

Actually, we don’t have plans. I just don’t want to. I’m simply not interested and I don’t care about you enough to stress myself out like that.

YEAH, that one would feel really GOOD!

Please DO TELL what you're dying to say or blog it and go back to Mama Kat's for a MckLinky. You WILL feel better and I'll be looking for it


The White House said...

ooooo, that was good and bold! Thanks for sharing and thanks for coming by my blog! Have a great weekend...

Katie said...

Hilarious! I definitely am not brave enough to just speak my mind. Maybe I should have chosen this prompt so that I could "say" some of those things I've wanted to say for so long!

April said...

Loved them all!

Life with Kaishon said...

Look at you go! This list is good! And right to the point. Don't you wish we really could say this stuff sometime.

I bet the iphone lady has a fake purse : )

Dabalack Family said...

That was the best!!! I LOVE IT!! THANKS!!

A Real Housewife said...

i love that someone else chose this prompt, too! if only we had the gall to say these out loud....

June Freaking Cleaver said...

My favorite has to be the picture of the kid...I'm sure we all have a few clunkers on film in an album or stuck in a drawer.

Good stuff for embarrassing the kids when they bring a date home! lol

Thanks so much for becoming a follower!


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