I Have Plans of my Own

The vulnerability we feel as individuals dramatically pales in comparison to the fear that arrives the moment your first become a parent. Any concern I’d ever had for myself or my loved ones seem so small and frivolous compared to the gigantic fear that I owned on the day that we drove our son home from the hospital.

Is the car seat installed correctly?

Will someone broadside us in the 8 miles between the hospital and the haven of our home?

Has anyone ever had to return to the hospital because they harmed their infant changing a diaper?

The fear of my own inadequacy was enough to drive a perfectly sane human to their knees, but I was learning how to get by. And then I turned on the news. Every day since February 2002 has been a minefield of emotion for me as I genuinely hurt for parents who are searching for their children, or even worse, find that their children will never return home. I don’t know how they go on.

Danielle van Dam was abducted from her bedroom on a Friday night while her parents were sleeping. There was a wide spread hunt for her until her 7 year old body was found dumped on the side of the road 3 ½ weeks later. My son was a week old when they found her and I was devastated. My heart was broken for her parents and I was sick to my stomach for her. She was a darling child ripped from her life and literally thrown away. This is where my faith has limits.

Even on my best days faith is a slippery slope for me. I do believe in eternal life and a higher power. We are all better for the freely given, unmerited favor and love of God. I have faith that things will turn out exactly the way He has planned. However, in some instances I have NO interest in being part of His plan. I’m not sure if that means that my faith isn’t whole hearted or if I am selfish and an uncommitted Christian. Either way, I am willing to live with that. The plans that include pain to children are not something I want to be part of.

The case of Somer Thompson this week is no exception to that. I struggle to understand what plan that could be. Did God really intend to take her away from her family to teach them about sacrifice? I am praying for her poor Mother and her sweet siblings. I simply can’t imagine how they must feel and don’t want to know. Whether or not it’s a blessing in disguise I do not ever want to be blessed that way. Please God.

Hug your babies this weekend and give thanks that they’re with you and they’re safe. If they’re anything like mine they are far from perfect, but having them safe at home is sometimes all the perfect we need.