Just a Girl

The words swirl constantly and I cannot organize the thoughts enough to put them in order.  The idea of stringing together sentences to express myself clearly is more overwhelming than the crowd of thoughts themselves.  Tonight is not different. 

It's cold and wet outside, but our home is warm and safe.  The satisfaction of physical comfort won't stick because of how desperately I need everything to be as calm as this room.  Our life is not calm.  Our life is mostly likely an antonym for the word calm.


At least three nights this week I worked until I was delirious and should probably do it a few more nights to meet my deadlines.  That damn dog eats everything that's not tied down.  My failures as a parent are crushing me.  And I want to run.  If I sit still long enough to think I am crippled by the enormity of it all.  I am totally a fraud in the pressure and expectations of the world I inhabit.  Whoever thought I was qualified enough to take on all of this and do it well was very, very wrong.  I am just a girl that fell in love with a boy from far away.  How the rest of it happened is purely a miracle.

In acknowledgment of my rambling thoughts and overwhelming need to spill I will just talk about me.  The me that I forget about sometimes.  The me that I want my kids to know about.

My Nanny has been my favorite person for my whole life. I miss her every single day.

 Handwritten notes are one of my favorite things. No tweet, email or text can ever replace getting a personal note on paper from someone.

Country music is comfort food to me.

An outdoor concert is my idea of a perfect date.

If I could sit alone {guilt free} for an afternoon I would get a LOOOONG pedicure with all the extras and read a book. I wouldn't talk. I wouldn't listen to music. I would just read and have my feet rubbed.

photo courtesy of the Athlete

I love getting dressed up.
AND
I love to see E in a suit.

I wear earrings, a watch and my wedding ring even when I am wearing sweats and haven't showered.  Jewelry is totally my thing.

My husband impresses me more every day. I am so glad I married the right person for me.

The idea of teaching my kids how to drive scares me to death.

I am not good at praying.  My heart is TOTALLY in it but I am never sure what to say.  I always make sure that I say thank you if I can't think of anything else.  Thank you is always in my heart when I talk to God.

My fitness level (or lack of it) scares me.  I want to be healthier than I am right now.

My constant level of exhaustion also scares me.  I don't think it's healthy to be this tired all the time.

Hawaii is where I go to when I dream. My dreams even smell better in Hawaii.

The cross I had made with my diamonds from my Grandmother's cocktail ring is my favorite piece of jewelry.

My obsession with Pinterest may have been replaced by my new obsession with houzz.  Oh what I could do with endless amounts of money and a trustworthy handy man!  And a decorator . . .  and endless amounts of money . . .

Lunch with a girlfriend is always a treat for me.  I love to hang with my girlfriends one on one.

I hope that my children inherit my courage.  I really want them to be fearless and always willing to apologize if they trip anyone while they're charging ahead.

Aging is not my favorite thing.  My hair is thinning, my skin looks terrible and I have started wondering if I need to have something done about the veins in my legs.  Oh brother!

Even though I lack patience with the chewing and shedding of our new puppy I really, really like dogs.

Taking our golf cart to the beach always makes me happy.

My children inspire me to hang in there every day.  I walk taller and push harder because I want to be worthy of them.

My children make me know that there's nothing I can't get through.  Sometimes I just need to take a deep breath.  Or two.