Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Pour Your Heart Out


My friend Kellie just told me she's not blogging lately because there's not anything she's passionate enough about that she wants to share in writing.  Amen, sista!  I LOVE my blog, but in the middle of the days that are a blur of lunch boxes, traffic, conference calls and the grocery store there really aren't a lot of things that are worthy of the attention a blog post would command.

Then I heard about Shell's "Pour Your Heart Out" and tonight it's the perfect outlet for my misplaced frustration and heavy heart.  Tonight, of all nights, I have to pour my heart out about two sweet you know who's ~ of course.

There's nothing in the whole entire gigantic world that matters more to me than being a parent to them.

Nothing

No One (sorry, E!!)

Anywhere

Being their Mom is the reason I get out of bed, make lunches, sit in traffic, pretend to be interested engage fully on conference calls and go to the grocery store.

Them

Those Two


Him and Her

And anytime I am not with them or they're sleeping it's all I think about.  But they don't sleep much.  And I end up feeling like a failure as a Mother most of the time.

I am not patient.  I yell too much.  I don't cook enough vegetables or make ants on logs out of peanut butter, celery and raisins.  I threaten consequences for swampy bathroom floors and unpacked backpacks.  I send them to bed without kisses and prayers when I am at the end of my rope.

And I loathe myself for being that person as often as I am

They are so good. And funny.  And talented.  And sweet.  And smart.  And they're still young enough that they WANT ME TO HELP THEM.  In the essence of Pour Your Heart Out I am heartbroken even as I type.  They WANT ME TO HELP THEM and on too many days I am just spent.  The selfish thirty something that went to work at 6 AM and has traffic court tomorrow can't keep it together until 8 PM to do whatever they ask.  I can't curb my innate sense of whateverness long enough to help with a Venn Diagram and a butterfly graph.

That.Really.Sucks.

I did pray tonight, and read Henry and the Buccaneer Bunnies with her and have "Talk Night" with him, but it should have been more.  They deserved more, but all of my more got sucked up before they got me.  I knew it and I fought it and felt guilty even as I tried to salvage something for them.  Always guilty.

I want them to move confidently in the world and get good grades.  I want them to be the kids that are always welcomed by other parents because of their impeccable manners.  I want them to make good choices when they don't want to listen to me anymore.  I want them to be the very best versions of them they can be.

I want them to know how much I love them.

Those Two

Him and Her




6 comments:

Dabalack Family said...

They know. I think we are harder on ourselves because we know what lies ahead and just want to make the path a little less rocky. Lots of love, big amazing hugs and kisses do amazing things!!!

Shell said...

We're so hard on ourselves as moms, aren't we? They matter so much...and yet, we still get impatient and yell. It happens.

kmcaffee said...

I so.totally.hear.this!! I have 4 and between them, I can't do enough! I completely understand the "mommy guilt" - you're not the only one! Just remember - you are the only Mom they have, therefore, they have no basis of comparison! ;)

DaisyGal said...

found you through Shell and even though my twins are only 3..wow do I feel you on this. I spend 4 yrs trying to have them, IVF and all and then I'm spent when it's time to really be with them,.
this gave me something I needed lately, perspective and a knowledge that I am not alone. THANK YOU

Emmy said...

Wow this just pulled on my heart strings.. tried to get my tear ducts too, but I'm in public so I fought it. Last night after I yelled at my kids and told them to put themselves to bed I sat there questioning what I was doing?? Why can't I be there for them more and just be calm for just a few more minutes, that is all it takes sometimes.

Hug!! You are a wonderful mom! I don't feed my kids enough vegetables either :)

KID said...

Damn that mommy guilt - it gets all of us. But I'm glad to know I'm not alone in my guilt and yelling.

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