Monday, March 1, 2010

Crushing their spirit - every night at 8 pm

The moment that the words come out the regret creeps in.

"No, not tonight.  It's late."

"Can we do it tomorrow?  I need to finish the laundry."

We pray and exchange a kiss and their eyes are begging for me to see them.  I smooth their hair and kiss them again.  And walk away.  The book doesn't get read a second time and the unfulfilled promise of quality time hangs in the air.  My heart breaks while the laundry gets folded.

There's not a lot in the world that I want.  There's a little house at the beach with our names on the mortgage and reliable cars in the driveway.  The rooms are fully furnished, the pantry is full and the clothes fit.  To ask for anything else isn't necessary and mostly doesn't come.  Blessed.  Content.  Deeply Grateful.  That's all me.

However, if the gift of time could really be given I'd get a note right off to Santa.  I want to be at the top of the Good List for that one.  I desperately need this one thing.  The time for laundry and reading the Princess her favorite book a second time.  Enough rest for my busy Athlete and the time to chat endlessly about his fear of confessing to God and his disappointment in not winning in the Playoffs.  There's just never seems to enough and I fret over the impact it has on them.

I tell myself that they're fine.  I tell myself that the notes in lunch boxes, special days without a sibling and "I Love You" every day will carry them through.  Still I fret.  Will they just stop asking?  Am I losing my chance to be the one they go to?  The idea paralyzes me.

There's no additional time in our immediate future and I can't afford the level of sad that's creeping over me.  They are learning from me that you honor your commitments and you work hard even when you don't want to.  I do know in my heart that those concepts will serve them well, but I don't want them to suffer in the interim.

Lord, please help me help their spirits soar.  Even at 8 pm on a school night.  Amen.


Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

This is a phenomenal post. And so true. I get that with my kids and feel like the time I have is so short.

Emmy said...

I would give you time if I somehow could. Such a sweet and sad post all at the same time. Makes me think about how much time I do have that I waste.... thanks.

Andrea said...

I don't think they will stop asking. We always want to give more.

Desert Rose said...

Aww, now you've got me all saddened for the times this has happened here! My little boy loves to have a book read to him, but it doesn't get to happen every night, and it's a terrible feeling watching the excitement he has when he asks..then turns to slumped shoulders and a sad little "ok" when it's not going to happen that night.

obladi oblada said...

Great post, and I know exactly what you mean. There are just not enough hours in the day...and there is so much to do. Now, I will try and rethink what I CAN put off until tomorrow...or what I can do after they go to bed, after the story....even if I go without sleep myself..your post has really made me think..thanks.

Michelle said...

That's hard. I can say, as a fellow mom with her plate full, that you have to let things go. The laundyr CAN wait. The babies CANNOT. Sometimes my DH will come home and start cleaning or make a comment and he'll pass right by a child begging for his attention. I tell him I'm sorry XYZ didnt get done, but I read 12 books to ASa and played dolls with Mill...or whatever. because THAT is important.

Spend time with children.

Wonderful World of Weiners said...

YOu are a great mom just for keeping this in the forefront of your brain.

Some moms we work with, sadly doing give a flying fig about time with their kiddos.


Dabalack Family said...

We try our best...some days are better then others...we love them with all that we are.'s tough, but we wouldn't change it for anything. Love you!!

MiMi said...

This makes me sad, but it's a beautiful post.
If I could put time in a bottle (isn't that a song?) I would send some to you. For real, friend.

Tara said...

I feel like such a loser mom when Andrew wants my attention and I say "just a minute" when what I'm doing on the computer is unimportant. I wish there were more hours in the day too!


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