Dear Someone

It's been a million years since I've done Letters and I have a little steam to blow off this week.

Dear Someone letters are written to that special someone who you would say that special thing to if (1) you wouldn't be fired over it, (2) you wouldn't be arrested over it OR (3) that someone spoke English.

Dear Murphy's Law,

Why on earth do you feel compelled to show off in SUCH A BIG WAY this week?  The violent thunderstorms, the DOG, the under the weather crying children and work.  Oh brother, work.  I am {mostly} a good girl and respect that the universe is in charge so you really didn't need to go and flex your muscles quite so big this week.  I'm going to keep trudging along because I always do, but I am asking nicely for you to chill out.  It's almost Friday and I am sure you need a break.  I certainly do.

Respectfully Yours,

Exhausted, Exasperated and Soaking Wet

Dear Mean Girls,

Get a freakin' life.  It's completely beyond me that you have the time to meddle in someone else's business so regularly and that while you are so busy meddling that you don't notice how little I care about what you think.  And since you're so dialed in on everything that I am saying you should have known that I wouldn't back down from what I said.  I would never say anything ABOUT someone that I wouldn't say TO someone.  I am more than a little shocked that you don't know that about me since you seem to know everything else.  You'll have to find someone else to be jealous of now.  All of my dirty laundry has been aired.  Thanks for that.

Mrs. M

Dear $.99 Store,

Where have you been all my life?  I am smitten and looking forward to spending more time together.

xoxo,

Your New BFF

Dear Very Old Dog,

Bless your incontinent heart.  I know it's not your fault that you are very old and rickety and lack control of most of your bodily functions.  I know all of this.  I just need a little time to clear my mind when you wake me up whining every.dang.night and then think my son's bedroom floor is a canine litter box.  I love you a lot and always will, but I am losing patience.  Work with me.  Please.

Love Always,
Your Human

Letters to Someone - Birthday Edition

If you don't love sappy sweet and only read my posts because I am hilarious this isn't the post for you. All of my posts this week are about my sweet baby boy and his birthday tomorrow. This week's letter is just to him. If you want funny you can always go see Shortmama and her friends. Someone there will crack you up. Guaranteed!

For My Son ~

To say that I love you is the most gross understatement of my life. There is no measure of any mother’s love, but my love and admiration for you go well beyond a mother loving her son. I could name hundreds and hundreds of reasons why I love you, but in honor of your 8th birthday I want to tell you the top 8 reasons that I love you so deeply. Just eight.

(1) You are the kindest person I have ever known. You are warm and generous to an absolute fault and are a true inspiration.

(2) Your love and devotion to your family takes my breath away. I adore how easily you show love to your entire family.

(3) Even without your front teeth you have the most precious face ever.

(4) You are an extraordinary student. At eight your vocabulary is better than most adults we know and you are excelling in every subject. You make me so proud!

(5) Your confidence as an Athlete is mind blowing. I admire you so much for never even considering that you may not be as big, as fast or as skilled as your opponents. You play with all your heart every time you play and the translation of that to your success amazes me every.single.time.

(6) You are truly hilarious.  You have a ridiculous sense of humor and are wittier than any 8 year old should be.

(7) I never knew what an "Old Soul" was until I met you.  Now I get it.  And I like it.

(8) Knowing that God picked your Daddy and me for you makes me believe that there really is a purpose for everyone on earth.  You save me from myself over and over again and God is using you to do his work here.  I believe that with all my heart.

Happy Birthday, my sweet boy.  You mean the world to me and I hope that you get everything you want in life.  There really is no one who deserves it more.

With All My Love,

Your Mom

Letters to Someone

Dear Post Office Patron ~

I will apologize in advance for my crankiness.  We have already identified just how UnFun I am, but your kids are truly atrocious.  Now I know that kids do the craziest things and will embarrass you at just the wrong moment every.single.time but I am pretty sure you weren't embarrassed and this wasn't a random occurence for your family.  The screaming.  The running.  The pulling out all the paper numbers and making a mess for someone else to clean (yup, the one you stepped over when you walked out and called to them over your shoulder).  Even when I am fun, that's not cool.  You're going to need to leave them in their cages next time you go out or dispense to everyone you encounter that oblivious pill you're taking.  It's the only way.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Horrified on Your Behalf

Dear Gray Hair ~

You are not welcome here.  You know I have had to cancel my last couple of salon appointments and you keep mutliplying anyway.  I am not as young as I used to be still young.  Too young for you to be raising such a large family on my scalp.  I know that I would make a groovy Cruella Deville for Halloween, but since it's only January I was hoping you could back off.  Or, ya know, just go away all together.  That would be nice.

See Ya!

The Young Pretty Girl who Doesn't Dye Her Hair

Dear Dogs ~

Y'all are seriously getting on my nerves.  I know you don't love the rain and would rather be outside chasing birds or something, but life is hard sometimes.  I can't rant about how bad you smell because I am too damn lazy to bathe you myself and too busy to take you to the groomers.  I'll let you off the hook there.  But the lounging around every corner of the house and refusing to move even when someone is tripping over you with a a bag of groceries or hot pan is not nice.  That is not good dog behavior.  Please stay in your own plush space and I won't be so tempted to throw your asses out in the rain.  This is your last chance to be loyal companions!

Mwah,

Yo Mama

Dear Social Life ~

I miss you.  Please don't forget about me.

With Love,

Mrs. Montoya

You can link up for Letters to Someone every Thursday with Shortmama and all her letter writing friends.

Letters to Someone

Dear Big Title with No Brains ~

Yes, that is a nifty idea.  It WOULD be great to be able to have your guests register for the Conference online so you don't have to keep a list of RSVPs.  My team likes it so much we do it for everything.  However, YOU didn't have a business plan and didn't get any money for your event until last month.  Yeah, that sort of makes it hard for us to roll you into our technology that's been live for 10 MONTHES!!!  So.  I'll keep doing what I do, quite well, and you keep that spreadsheet updated.  We'll even get ya a table and chairs to check people in when they get there.  Do you need to borrow a highlighter and a sharpie?  I'll see what I can do.

Happy Data Entry to You,

Miss Not Accepting Suggestions Until You're Organized
Dear Lady in the Jeep Liberty ~

It's been days since our encounter, but I can't quite get over you.  That's uncommon for me.  I am willing to believe that maybe you don't know that California law requires you to yield to pedestrians.  Maybe you haven't been to traffic school in the last 100 years or so.  Fine.  But let's drill down to basic human decency. Causing a woman and her young child to stop in the crosswalk in the driving rain because you're too effing rude to stop is just wrong. W.R.O.N.G.  You are oh so lucky that I make an effort to control myself in the presence of my children.  Otherwise you may have had an umbrella through the windshield.  Did you see Britney lose it a few years ago?  Yeah, that could be me.  What goes around comes around lady.  You'd better be careful.

Most Sincerely,

The Soaking Wet Chick in the Crosswalk with the Young Child

Dear Rain ~

Time for you to go.  I thought you were a pretty nifty diversion in the beginning.  Boots and umbrellas and jackets ~ oh my!  That was a refreshing change of pace.  But now it's old. And I'm tired of being wet.  And scared to drive.  And planning my days around your onslaught.  You've done your deed. Now move along.  I'm sure there's a desert somewhere that needs you.

Ciao for Now,

Southern California Sunshine Lover

Dear Haiti ~

I'm so sorry for you.  My heart just breaks every time I let myself think of you.  I sent some money and my company is doing the same.  I've also got a stack of jeans and shoes that I will drop off this weekend.  I will do anything I can to let you know I'm thinking of you and hurting for you.  Mostly I am praying.  I am praying that your people will be well and will care for each other. I am praying that you get the aid that you need the most in a timely manner.  And I am praying for peace and healing.  Don't give up.  I know I'm not the only one thinking of you.  Hang in there.

Warm Regards,

Mrs. Montoya

Now go see ShortMama and link up with her and all her letter writing friends.  ENJOY

Letters to Someone

It's Thursday, and ya know what that means . . . Letters to Someone, compliments of ShortMama and her version of genius. Gawd, I think she's funny.  Go see her now. And do your own letters.  It feels SO good.  You can thank me later for the free therapy.

xoxo, Mrs. M

Dear Sir at Starbucks ~

The leather chairs and occasional tables do make a coffee shop cozy.  I'm with ya.  But regardless of how much it feels like home, it is not.  There's just no reason EVER to take your shoes off while you're enjoying your cappucino.  EVER.  I shouldn't have been surprised since you're over 25 and wearing an Ed Hardy hat with a shirt unbuttoned to your navel, but come on.  No shoes?  Truly not acceptable.  Don't let it happen again.  I'm not kidding.

Quite Sincerely,

Miss Triple Venti Skinny Latte

 Dear Vacation ~

I know you were just here last week, but I miss you so much already.  Could you return again soon?  I'd like to spend some meaningful time together watching palm trees sway and drinking fruity drinks.  Whaddya say?  You.  Me.  Sunny & Balmy.  I'll welcome you with open arms.  Come soon.  I've heard stress makes you ugly and I'm not interested.

Longing for your Touch,

The Wanna-be Beach Bunny in January

Dear Teachers of Young Children ~

You are to be admired and respected for your commitment.  I firmly believe that you will never make enough money to compensate you for the positive impact you have on families all over the world.  I mean that with all my heart.  I do, however, have one tiny beef with the two of you that are impacting my family right now.  Tiny.  Please consider the amount of work it takes to get a family back on track after kids haven't been in school for 17 days and don't change the freakin' rules RIGHT NOW.  Don't start leaving the morning line up ten minutes earlier than you have been all.damn.year. without warning.  That makes us late.  Not cool.  And when you tell a 7 year old who lives for details that he must have subtraction flash cards through the number 18 this week ~ it is way not cool to figure out later that he really only needs them through 12 because no one even sells them through 18.  You just can't even imagine how much trouble that sort of thing causes for a kid like him.  Tiny.  Advanced notice on process changes.  Accurate information for required supplies.  Please and Thank You.

Hugs, Kisses & Thanks,

The Mama who knows how hard you work and just needs a little more time to adjust

Dear Baby B ~

You are such a precious creature.  Truly precious.  I miss you while our lives are so busy and wish we could spend more time together.  I love your sweet little smile and your soft brown hair.  When I think about all the milestones you have coming up I smile no matter where I am.  Uncle E and I are so honored to be your Godparents and love you endlessly.  We are very excited to share all of your happy moments this year and for many years to come.  You are a special treasure in a sometimes scary world.

With So Much Love,

Your Adoring Auntie

Letters to Someone - Secret Santa Edition

Every Thursday is Letters to Someone. Today I'll just have to say that I am better late than never. We'll go with that. I'm writing today in honor of the super fantastic Secret Santa Soiree hosted by Georgie and Amy.  These ladies worked hard to organize more than 100 participants for an exchange.  Thank you so much!

Dear Secret Santa ~

Will you marry me?  You really outdid yourself and I am so, so grateful for your generosity and thoughtfulness.  I realized AFTER I ripped open your package like a six year old on my birthday carefully examined my parcels that you really took the time to find out what makes me smile.  Everything in the box was perfect.  Perfect.  And I was delighted.  You even sent something for my deranged dogs.  That's too sweet!  Even my dogs love you now. 

I opened this first and I would have been OK with this all by itself.  Such salty sweet perfection.

Then I opened this.  They smell terrific.  I heart candles.  But you knew that.

And for the dogs.  You are amazing.  Kate and Kramer say thank you!

And if I weren't madly in love already, I opened this . . .

Did I tell you I love you?

Personalized stationery is the way to my heart.  You permanently live there now

Merry Christmas, Santa!  I'll see you at the altar.

---------------------------------------------------------

There won't be any letters next week.  I will be in a bliss coma and loving Christmas day with my family.  God Bless you and your families for a blessed holiday and a happy, healthy New Year.

Warmly,

Mrs. Montoya

Letters to Someone

Dear Loony Bin ~

My name is Kim.  I work about 60 hours a week, write a halfass blog and am a basketball widow to two elementary school children who have a Christmas pageant this week.  My shopping's not done, my house is not clean and I could work an extra 60 hours this week and still not be done.  Do you think that I could get a free trial pass to your fine establishment?  You know, test the padded walls and the special attire - no strings attached?  I can be there tomorrow and would like to cut a deal with you before I am shipped there without recourse.  Give me a call.  You can reach me at 555-LOST

Most Sincerely,
Miss May Need Meds Soon

Dear Darling Boy ~

Your candor is one of my favorite things about you. Mostly.  But we'll need to start working on your censor button and timing during the holiday break.  Like when I was filming you during your customs presentation and your teacher was extolling the virtues of your Grandpa making your ceppo by hand and how nice it was that you could spend time with him and work on your project.  You didn't HAVE TO SAY "no, he made it by himself while we were out shopping."  Timing and censorship, sweetie.  And we don't really need to send back our Christmas cards.  The printer didn't "mess up our faces".  That's an outdoor glow on our cheeks.  And sweat.  Remember the ten mile hike? And how it looks like we're sitting in the tops of trees because we WALKED THERE!!!!!  You are precious, but you gotta learn how to zip it.  We'll work on it together.

I Do Love You,
Your Mama

Sweet Angel Girl,

Have I gotten through to you at all that the Christmas pageant in the sanctuary is a religious event?  And you being an angel shouldn't be a total facade . . .  I appreciate that Mrs. Nelson thinks a simple costume is best and that we can add garland to an old tee shirt.  However, just because my smallest tee shirt has some give in it for you, there's no reason to go poking your shoulder out of the neck and trying to turn your performance into Flashdance.  I think it's charming that your halo is slightly crooked, but you're really starting to get to me.  You're five and you're going to stay five for as long as I can keep you there.  There must be a one in front of the five for you to act like this.  And there's not.  You're mine.  Straighten up.

Break A Leg and Sing Like An Angel.  A Tiny, Innocent Angel.
Mom

Dear Christmas Tree ~

I love you.  You make me unconditionally happy amidst all the other chaos.  Thank you for being with us again this year.  We are very, very lucky.

xoxo,
Just Shy of a Scrooge

Letters to Someone happen around here every Thursday.  You can visit Shortmama to be part of the fun.

Letters to Someone

It's Thursday.  That means Friday is tomorrow.  Can I get a hallelujah??  It has already been quite a week aned Letters to Someone are such a nice way to blow off a little steam.  Enjoy and then head to ShortMama's to see her letters and her friends letters', too.  You can even join in the fun.  You'll be hooked.

Dear Auto Manufacturer ~

I drive a mid-sized SUV, with third row seating and a big engine.  It gets us where we need to go and sometimes we bring friends. I like it.  But there's this one thing.  Why on earth does a car that size have a horn that sounds like it's coming from a child's toy?  I don't use it enough to think of it much, but when there's a much bigger SUV coming my way fast I am hoping for a fog horn.  You let me down.  I will say on the bright side that I am grateful that the other drivers are looking for the moped on the Freeway instead of flipping me off, but still can't quite bring myself to say Thanks.  It just doesn't fit.

With a Tiny Toot Toot,
The Lady and her Kids who will Never Save Themselves by Horn Alone

Dear Beaujolais Noveau ~

Only released on the third Thursday of November, really?  I never knew until now and I am positively hooked.  Thank goodness you are only available in limited quantities.  That may be just the thing saving me from a one way ticket to a habit kicking program.  Well, that combined with the fact that the weekend makes me more apt to seek out your cousin, the Grey Goose.  I am certain that mixing it up disqualifies me from addiction.  For now I will love you deeply and when you're gone I will remember you fondly.  Thank you for the warmth you're bringing to my midweek evenings.

Cheers,
Moi

Dear Business ~

You are a babe when you're booming, but I'd like to negotiate a little on your timing.  It's Christmas time you see and I am busy.  I've got some shopping to finish online and at lunch every day this weekend and here you come trying to take charge and commanding all my time. It HAS been a tough year and I should be happy to see you return.  And I am.  I would just like to see you later.  Four weeks later to be exact.  Please.  You can't even imagine the reception I'll give you.  In January.  After Christmas.  You see where I'm going, right?  Have your people call my people.

Happy Holidays,
The Chief Executive of Jingle Dingle

Dear Bloggy Friends,

Go fast, fast, fast over to Menopausal New Mom to see her un-freaking-believable giveaway.  I still can't quite figure out why she is giving away something so gorgeous, but sometimes I am a little dense.  I am SURE there's a good reason.  I hope when I win she tells me.  I mean, I hope when you win you tell me.  Naw, that's a lie.  I hope I win.  They're stunning.  But you should go enter.  Every lady deserves a little holiday sparkle.  Maybe it's you.  I hope it's me.

Best of Luck,
Mrs. Montoya

p.s.  I need to give credit where credit is due.  I swiped the term "Jingle Dingle" from Kelly at Speaking from the Crib.  I couldn't resist.  I hope she doesn't sue.  I'm NOT selling the earrings :)

Letters to Someone

Everyone loves Letters to Someone.  Go see Shortmama and her links for what everyone's saying to someone today.  You know you love it - xoxo

Dear Perspective ~

Welcome back.  I didn't even realize how much I've missed you.  I am a kinder, more interesting person when you're with me and I am sure my family and friends will appreciate your return, as well.  You always help me stay focused on being rather than doing and I can definitely use some assistance right now.  I'm glad you're here.

With Much Love,
Your Renewed Companion

Dear Dusty Bunnies & Dog Hair ~

Do you think you could find somewhere else to party?  It's obvious that you don't much care about your impact on my family, but I am over you.  That fat little dog got a hair cut and I have been going at it with my Swiffer sweeper in an effort to get rid of you.  But you still keep joining together and multiplying like, um, bunnies.  I've got some decorating to do and I only want to spell out M E R R Y with my cute little blocks.  Not my finger on the console.  A holiday in Rome for all of you . . .  Whaddya say?

Sincerely,
The Lady that's Taking Your Name off the Guest List

Dear Sweet Peas ~

I hope y'all have a great weekend with Grandma and Grandpa.  I know it's proper parent protocol to hesitate when I send you out the door and say how much I'll miss you.  But everyone knows I ain't proper.  See ya!  Daddy and I will be back sometime Sunday.  Maybe.

With all the Love I can Muster Between my Fits of Excitement and Daydreams,
Your Mama

Dear E ~

The flowers were beautiful, thank you.  And now for the weekend.  Two nights alone and a day at the spa . . . oh my.  I'm looking forward to showing you what a happy wife I am. Who knew 9 was your lucky number??!

Your Smitten Other Half,
Mrs. Montoya

Letters to Someone

It's Thursday again.  Unbelievable!  If you like my letters you should head over to Shortmama's and see what she and her other bloggy friends have to say in their letters today.  You can link up, too if you have something to say to someone special.

Dear Starbucks ~

Although I don't even remember what life was like before you came along I must end the affair.  I long for you in the wee hours of the morning and calculate how far I can get on my projects before I need you again.  And don't think that I didn't notice you sneaking in the holiday flavors again.  You always know how to lure me to you and I am so smitten that I can't resist your advances.  I am not sure if there's a latte rehab, but I may very well be a candidate.  Why do I love you so?

Undercaffeinated and Overspent,
Your Best Customer

Dear Bargain Shoppers ~

Come on over!! I have been cleaning and emptying away and have tagged lots of goodies for you.  I do need to establish some rules, though. Well, really only one.  Absolutely no haggling.  I believe that $1 is more than a fair price for a designer sweater with the tags on it.  Please do not even consider asking if I will take $1 for it and three others like it.  I won't.  Then I'll be mad and won't let you buy anything and we'll both be disappointed.  That's no fun.  I am keeping my fingers crossed to unload enough stuff to head to the Coach store on Sunday.  I love it when everyone's happy!

Play Nice and You'll Get the Good Stuff,
The Stingy Lady on the Driveway

Dear Holidays ~

Whoa Nelly!  I am super excited for your arrival, but am a little alarmed by how rapidly you're approaching.  My deal is to address Christmas cards over Thanksgiving weekend, but seeing as I haven't even ordered cards yet I may have a problem.  I am so enjoying my harvest decor and it's almost time to haul out the nativity scene.  Please slow down just a little.  Come to us nice and easy and let my family and me enjoy the season.  You are pure magic to us and I don't want to miss a single moment.  I promise we'll savor it and make you glad you came.

With Love,

Us

Dear Blog ~

I know you're lonely and feeling unloved.  I'm sorry.  I have big, big plans to spruce you up and fill you with witty, meaningful words again.  Soon.  Right now I lack clarity of thought and don't have much nice to say.  That doesn't really make for good material to share with the world.  I hope you understand. I'll be back and you'll be my favorite hobby again.  Keep the keyboard warm for me.

xoxo,

Mrs Montoya

Letters to Someone

Dear Cold & Flu Season -

Get lost! I certainly welcome the cooler weather and the opportunity to wear cozy sweaters and boots, but I think you suck. In addition to from taking out my family one by one and making the rest of us miserable I am blaming you entirely for our collective loss of spunk and the disasterous state of our home. I truly believe that Lysol pays you and this season you're getting a hefty bonus. Well move along and go infect someone else. We're scrubbing, spraying and sanitizing for dear life and could easily make it through the holidays without you visiting again. Scram!

Just Not Loving You,
 Worn Out and Wearing a Mask

Dear Bunco Crew -

I can't wait to see you fun ladies! I am super excited to have a scheduled night out AND I the invite says "wear your favorite PJs". OMG, seriously?!?! I so need a cocktail AND I don't have to dress up. Thank you. Thank you.  Thank you.

Hugs & Kisses,
Me

Dear To Do List -

Go ahead and get comfortable on my desk. It looks like you're gonna be there for a while. Lucky for you there are new items joining your party every day. Woo hoo! Y'all go ahead and have a good time together. I'm going to spend the weekend loving on my family before I fly away to work elsewhere. I know where to find you when I get back.

Cordially,
Still Organized, but Ignoring You

Dear E -

It's just been one of those weeks. I'm so sorry. I know you're not well and my defense is that I am thoroughly used to you being everything for us. This is me waving my white flag.  Let's have a little fun with our babes this weekend and enjoy Halloween. I promise I'll steal the kids Hot Tamales if you'll forgive me for whatever I did. Not loving on you is not good for me. I don't want to fly away sad. Please kiss me soon.

Forever Yours,

K

Head over to Family of Shorts to see who else has Letters to Someone this week.  Go on.  You know you want to . . .

Letters to Someone

Dear Crazy Chick at the Gas Station ~

Yes, I do remember that super funny episode of Desperate Housewives!! The one where Lynette thought it would be OK to take her son's ADD prescription to give herself more energy??!!? OMG, so funny! Good for me I didn't rthink anyone really did that. You however, clearly considered it a "how to" episode. I looked REALLY closely for your wireless headset and it wasn't there. So that means that you were high fiving the pump and singing to yourself. Not cool. At all. Scarier still that you had to drive A CAR to get to the gas station. Maybe next time you could indulge in your addiction earlier in the day so by the time the rest of us are out and about you've normed. Umkay?

More Than a Little Concerned,
The Unmedicated Lady Behind You

Dear Esteemed Colleagues,

How nice that you have nowhere else to be but the office. I'm truly delighted for you. I am, however, getting a little tired of defending my choice to see my family every night. Yes, my husband did pick up the kids today, but that doesn't change my desire to see their faces for more than the 40 minutes they're mine each morning. I'm funny that way. My projects are in line. I am still smiling and playing nice with others. The brilliant ideas can keep. I'll be back tomorrow.

Cordially,
The Senior Manager of Monkey Business

Dear Self,

Slow down, girlfriend. You need to take a deep breath and soak it all in. That little boy is a lot closer to 8 than 7 and he will only think you're a goddess for so long. Enjoy it. And the youngest one. Oh my. She thinks you are dipped in gold. Prove it to her. They will never remember that you didn't serve every food group with each meal. They will remember that you sat with them at the table and asked about their day. Kiss them goodnight even when the dishes aren't done. Hold on tight to what you love, it just may not be there the next time you're ready.

Loving You,
Me


Dear Honest to a Fault,

We've gotta work on your timing, babe. I know Daddy didn't really steal anything when he took you and your sister to the movies without paying. I wouldn't have purchased $27 worth the tickets for a matinee either if there was no one there to sell me tickets or take them after I purchased them. But Buster, when we leave the theaters you should at least wait until we're outside to say "my favorite part of this theater is that you don't even have to pay!!!" Wow! Your positive outlook is so contagious and being near you makes me smile, but there are a lot of reasons we should crack up laughing. Running wildly from the door of the theater for fear of being arrested should not be one of them.

I Love You,
Mom

Letters to Someone happen every week.  Same place.  Same time.  You can go over to Shortmama's and see who caught her attention this week.  It's usually good for a laugh or 9!!

Letters to Someone

Dear Dinner Table ~

Your load has been light lately, I know. But I say, be grateful for the time off. The holidays are just around the corner and you know how I love to entertain! For now, I promise to make a crock pot o' something so we can enjoy your company, as well as something that requires a basket of rolls. Very soon, I promise. It's not that we love the kitchen island more, but it does seem more appropriate for tater tots and turkey sandwiches. Ya know? Don't sulk - it's not becoming of you. We'll see you for Sunday dinner.

Fondly,

The Lady Who's Not a Gourmet Cook

Dear So Cal Freeway Drivers ~
Some water on the road should not turn a 35 minute drive into a 2 hour drive. Do you hear me? Should. Not. I know that rain is foreign here in the land of milk & honey, but experience has shown me that we'll live through it. I also happen to know that water falling from the sky will not permanently damage your Range Rover. I promise. And driving 42 miles per hour on the freeway won't make it go away. It will just make you sit in the rain longer. And me. And I don't like it. Move along, please.

More Than a Little Frustrated,

The Rainy Day Driver

Dear Overweight Spaniel ~

Your spotty snoot is just the cutest and I say time and time again that you're the sweetest dog ever. Ever. But holy smokes do you have the worst manners in the world!!!! I've been trying to train the babes to close the bathroom doors to curb you of your lust for toilet water. We'll keep working on that one. And I am a little sorry for smacking you with a pillow in the middle of the night, but I just can't understand why you have a need to groom at 1 AM. The big, black man sleeping next to you is your BROTHER and no one else in the house cares what you look like. Give it a rest. Go night night like everyone else and I'll keep letting you sleep here. Blow me off and you might be outside with the raccoons. I think they could take you. Knock it off, sister!!

Big Hugs & Kibble,
Mom


Dear Household Appliances ~

Do you all get together with Buzz and Woody in Andy's bedroom and talk about your plans and dreams?  I am thinking you must communicate somehow and just don't understand why you've scheduled a revolt right now.  We were squeaking by with the duct tape on the washing machine even if I did have to squeeze my eyes shut each time I walked past, but then you decided to flash a brand new error message and quit altogether.  Not cool.  And now the oven.  WTF? It IS possible we're going to want clean clothes and dinner on the same day.  Will you please cooperate.  Pretty, pretty please?  I'd love a shopping trip this weekend, but not where you live.

So Over It Right Now,
Me

Every Thursday you can head over to Shortmama's and read her letters and see what her bloggy friends have to say, too. It's always a good time around here!

Letters to Someone

Dear Second Grade Teachers -


We know that ITBS testing a BIG deal this week. Got it. We are serving healthy meals and snacks, allowing time to relax and praying promptly at 7:52 so he gets a good night's sleep. We've been fully compliant with all of your requests. However, in return for not serving any Happy Meals or Froot Loops this week we were delighted to know that we also had four nights of no homework. But you still send home the homework sheet and write "play a board game with your family." Aw come on. Really? That's just rude. Meals. check. Time to relax. check. Plenty of rest. check. But a board game AND reading after dinner on Tuesday. You're pushing it.

Nothing squirrelly tonight, please. We'll handle the relaxation on our own.


Most Sincerely,
The Parents who Need a Homework Break



Dear Metabolism -


I miss you. I know that I've eaten pizza twice in the last week, AND nachos, AND tacos at midnight. I know. But did you have to disappear entirely and leave me with these lumps that weren't there before? I'm a little self conscious of how quickly you've abandoned me. Can we negotiate? I'll have salad at least three days a week if you'll come home. I'll even give you a holiday bonus if you get back before it's time for baking. I'm gonna need all the help I can get.


Love you lots,
The EXTRA Curvy Girl



Dear Christmas Cards -


Please stop taunting me. Please. I want you so badly with all your timeless phrases and of the moment color combos and designs that will feature my gorgeous kids. I browse and lust far more than I should and it's only the first week of October! Every year I swear I won't be lured by you and spend more than I should, but man are you hard to resist. Please find someone else to torture. I'm sure I'll be fine with simple, inexpensive cards. Just fine.


Lots & Lots of Love,
Your Not So Secret Admirer




Dear Darling Family -


You are extraordinary. Just so fabulously great. Seriously. I've been a bit of a professional train wreck lately and there you are when I walk in with your sweaty hair, marker on your elbows and a smile for me and all the rest just disappears. I appreciate you so much for backing my car out of the garage in the mornings, putting your stars in the right spots on your chore chart and for wanting to read and pray with me every single night. Until the Big Man decides this gig is up for me I will continue adoring you and giving my eternal thanks for the chance to be in your orbit. I love you all more than words can ever say.


Very Truly,
The Luckiest Woman Alive

You can head over to Shortmama's today and read her super funny letters and you can see what her bloggy friends have to say, too.  It's always a good time around here!

Letters to Someone

Dear Maui:

Oh, I hear you calling my name and I miss you too, Pretty Girl. I am more than a little sad that we can't spend time together this year, but you are my friend. I know you understood when I sought to teach the babes a life lesson this summer and took them camping instead. In hindsight, there are lessons to be learned on a sunny beach, right? It wasn't personal. I would have rather been lounging with you. Trust me! You've been so so good to me for so long and I know we will be reunited soon. Next time we're together I think I'll bring some friends. Remember all those wild and crazy peeps who were there with E and me 10 years ago? That's right. Party time, sistah! I am planning, and waiting, and dreaming. Please save a Lava Flow for me. I'll see you soon.

Mwah, Your Forever Loyal BFF

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Dear Friends with September birthdays:

I am awful, I know. Little Miss "Never Forget a Card" has fallen off the Hallmark wagon. If it's any consolation at all - you are not alone. I haven't sent a single card in September. Birthdays, Anniversaries . . . I have somehow missed them all. No excuses. Only remorse. Please forgive me. Our October compadres may just hit the jackpot as a result of my horrible guilt. I know that doesn't do anything for you. I'm just sayin'.

xoxo - Still Thinking of You, Just Not on Paper

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Dear Daytime Television:

I'm just not sure we can be friends. I do love me some Regis & Kelly and you have single handedly kept me from going bonkers in bed for three days (well, not quite. My blog is VERY current), but you are filled with so much trash. Did I really need to know that Mackenzie Phillips had sex with her Dad a LOT? I am thinking no. That's just freakin' creepy and I have made it for 35 years without knowing that. I very well might have scars from that one. And I can't even offer an explanation to why I am watching Clifford the Big Red Dog when there is no child in sight here in the land of quarantine. You make me a little crazy you big plasma dream. I know you have the ability to deliver news, and I did only learn about the flooding in my BFFs Atlanta neighborhood because I was hanging with YOU, but I think we need a break. Like I need to go back to work. And you need a rest. For a very long time.

It's Not You, It's Me

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Dear Hot Dogging Athlete that I Love to Pieces:

Nice work on the field this weekend, sir. I appreciate that you were taking notes when I missed a practice AND a game while I was with my girlfriends. That's hereditary. But I appreciate even more that you made up for missing me by being a 7 year old dynamo on the baseball field. Your extraordinary effort in pitching, that big hit over the second baseman's head and the diving catch to make the final out - you make me the proudest Mama in Fall Ball. All my multi-tasking and fuss just falls away when I watch you strut your stuff. You are one cool kid. Can't wait for your next game.

All My Love, Your #1 Fan

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You can head to ShortMama's to see her Letters to Someone and link to her bloggy friends letters, too. Always entertaining!!!

Letters to Someone

My friend Amanda does these letters every Thursday and I laugh and laugh every single week. Having some extra pent up frustration myself this week, I am jumping on her band wagon and capturing her McLinky. Here are my Letters to Someone:

Dear Alarm Clock ~

You are evil and rude. It's still dark outside, I'm snuggled up to the one and I love and there you go blasting your noise to the world. Do you know what it takes to cover the circles under these eyes every damn morning? Is it possible that we could make a deal? You nudge me gently with a warm cup of coffee in your hand and I let you live another day. Deal?

Quite Grudgingly Yours,
The Truly Tired Mama Who's Life You're Ruining

Dear Fundraising Chairperson ~

Bless your heart. I know you signed up for your post because everyone needs something to do. But, my goodness. Really? We all pay an obscene amount of money each month for our neatly pressed, uniform clad angels to occupy the hallowed halls of their school AND we additionally pay a stipend that guarantees the school fundraising dollars. Do you really think I am going to haul my kids around the neighborhood in a wagon to peddle chocolate covered peanuts and curling ribbon? Please get a clue and stop sending home notes. I'm losing patience. And by the way, my gift wrap is from Target. They have great patterns and it goes on sale. Often. Back off.

Charmed, I'm sure,
On the Way to Destitute and Homeless with Well Educated Children

Dear Sophia ~

Oh princess . . . First the hair. Not a cool move, but I had to let it slide. Anyone who says "because I want to look like Grandma" is bound to get off the hook. You clever girl. But the disasterous morning routine every single day is getting old. School starts at the same time each weekday morning and sleeping an extra half hour won't fly. Also, you wear the same thing every day. A meltdown over exactly which pair of white socks are most comfortable is unacceptable. My heart hurts all day after I scream at you, but a girl can only take so much. Pretend like you love the socks and no one gets hurt. Capish?

Much Love,
Your Rapidly Losing Patience Hairdresser and Laundress

Dear Kramer & Kate ~

You idiots are starting to get to me in a very big way. I know that we're dog people and we take photos of you just like you're our children, but come on. You know there's nothing in the lunch box when you drag it out of the backpack, but then you haul it under the table to eat the empty ziploc bag. I know that Costco dog food has more nutritional value than that and the holes in the lunch box are a little ghetto. Just because I don't stomp on your paws when you're sleeping doesn't mean I don't notice. You should start being more careful. I hear Michael Vick is home again and looking for new companions. Hmm mm - get it?

Puppy Dog Kisses to You Both

If you've got something to say to someone special you can head over to ShortMama's and link up, too. It feels good!!